Star Wars! Uncensored
by Lex Luthor
Summary: I started this story when I was younger, and am working on it now, so the beggining is more goofy humor. But I still find it incredibly amusing, so PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! I love you all!
1. Default Chapter

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away…

pThe real Star Wars

**__**

pIt is a dark time for Jedi knights, the Sith have come back to power, and the dark side continues. They have gotten many powerful allies, many weapons and cooler hairstyles then the Jedi side. And even more awful, Sidius hasn't discovered toothpaste yet; his breath remains as funky smelling as before. The evil Sith lord has sewed his "Young apprentice" back together, he figured it would be cheaper than buying a new one. (He obviously didn't hear about the big sale down at K-mart, one Padawan for two dollars, buy eighty nine, get one free!)

****

pMeanwhile, a secret meeting has taken place in the temple between the council members and all young Jedi knights.

pYoda- (lifting up a piece of pepperoni pizza, dripping with cheese) Great party this is, yes!

pObi-Wan- (helping himself to a large diet Coke (with lemon!), and dressed in a tidy T-shirt with love beads) Totally awesome man!

pMace-Windu- (grooving to the disco music that was playing) Shake your groove thing, ya ya ya!

pAnakin- (looking up at Obi-wan and tugging on his shirt) Um, Master sir, shouldn't we be, like, saving the galaxy or something?

pObi-Wan- no, man, I'm liven young and free, (He looked up at the crowd) peace everybody!

pCrowd- Peace! 

pAdi Gallia- (Sitting in the corner with her friends) And he was all like, "oh my Gad," and I was like, "Okayyy". And he's like "Man", and I'm like, "women!" (She and her friends burst into a fit of giggles.)

(Yoda struts over to their table)

pYoda_ So, any of you ladies want to dance?

pAdi_ Like, totally!

p (Over to the right, a drunken group of Jedi knights give a toast)

pKnight (unknown) to the Gin in Qui-Gon Jinn!

pThe knights_ To Gin!

p (On the dance floor, Yoda dances with Adi)

pYoda_ Pretty good dancer I am, Hmmm?

pAdi_ Yeah! Get down groovy boy!

p (She picks Yoda up and balances him on her finger, Yoda squeals and starts disco dancing)

pYoda_ Whoopee! Lookee me!

(Everyone watches Yoda as he twirls on Adi's finger, and they cheer him on)

pAnakin_ Go Yoda (_He raises his arms in approval_)

(p_Anakin pulls his master aside_)

pAnakin_(_He tries to get Obi-wan's attention, but his master is looking over at a young Jedi, named Siri, with much interest.) _Master, isn't this a little soon after Qui-Gon's death to be celebrating? I mean, I like this all and stuff, but I always thought the Jedi were, um… a little more restricted?

p (_He gestured over to Yoda, who was trying to kiss Adi while Mace Windu hit him on the back, and a crowd of knights stomped their feet.)_

pObi-Wan_ (glancing over at them before returning to his drink) Yeah, man, but this is the sixty's! We're all hippies now! Hey- I got an idea (_he takes a brown substance from a refreshment bowl and dirties his teeth_) Hey, look everybody! I'm Austin Powers! Yeah baby, yeah!

p (_Every one rushes over to the bowl and tries it. Pretty soon the room was filled with many "Yeah baby's" and "Smashing". Anakin sighs.)_

pAnakin_ well, if ya can't beat em, join em! 

(_He takes metal from the rim of a chair and twists them into glasses_.) 

pAnakin_ (_pushing them onto his nose_) Look; I'm Harry Potter! 

pEveryone_ Oho, Harry Potter!

(_There is a mad rush fore the metal. Adi rushes so fast that Yoda falls off her hand_.)

pYoda_ (_lifting the ends up of his robe so he wouldn't trip and running towards her_) Wait for me, wait for me!

p_ (Everyone gets glasses and dirty teeth then link arms to start sing "Celebration")_

pDroid_ Celebrate good times common! Let's celebrate!

pYoda_ (_kicking him in the shins_) You sing off key, robot twerp!


	2. Chp 2

(Meanwhile, on a remote, unknown planet we call "Earth", four kids play in a big field.) Aundrey_ (using very stiff words, he is a bad actor) Wow. Guys. We sure are lucky to be friends. AREN'T WE? Lindsay_ (pounding his head) Aundrey, if you can't act good, don't act at all! Aundrey_ What do you mean, I'm great at this! I love to be in movies, I'm a very good actor! In fact, I think I'll start a career acting! Cristina_ Right, Aundrey. Join Barney and his backyard gang. Lindsay_ (Slapping him on the back) Yeah, join Barney's Backyard gang! Cristina_ (scowling) Quit copying my jokes! If you want to make jokes, make your own script! You're messing up my script! Aundrey_ You guys are ruining this movie! It's supposed be like this is really happening, not like we're pretending! Cristina_ Who says? Aundrey_ (Pointing to himself) I'm the director, so what I say goes. Cristina: Cheater Aundrey: liar Cristina_ Nincompoop! Aundrey_ Derst! Cristina_ What's a dirst? Aundrey_ I don't know, but so's your old lady. Cristina_ You got that from a book, didn't you? And besides, that's not in the script! Aundrey_ I'm making it in the script! Who's the director, you or me? (Cristina attacks him, and they start a fist fight, while Lindsay marches around them, singing) 


	3. chp 3

Lindsay_ We are Barney and the backyard gang dah dah dah dadada dah dah! Melissa_ (scratching her head) Aren't gangs supposed to be bad or 'sometin) Cristina_ (Grabbing the director hat from Aundrey) I'm the director now! Melissa_ Was this in the script? Lindsay_ We play with Barney every day, he plays with our friends too! Whenever we go out, the people always shout, we are Barney and the backyard gang! Cristina_ Now troops, lets build a spaceship! Melissa_ Don't we need gas or something? Lindsay_ (she stopped singing and turned to Cristina) She's right. Let's get gas. Aundrey- like a fanny-burp? (Lindsay looks at him in disgust) Cristina_ Okay. (She rattled her pockets) Do you guys have any change? Lindsay: (Shrugging) No, but we can take alms. Aundrey: (Lifting his head out of the mud) Cool, can I be the pilot. Lindsay: No, you don't have a driver's license. (They walk to the gas station. On the way there, they talk.) Melissa_ Um, aren't we supposed to have a car or in our case, a spaceship, before we get gas, so we have something to fill up? Aundrey_ Nope, I have a yogurt container. We can use that to hold the gasoline. (They reach the gas station. Lindsay walks up to an elderly women who is sitting on a bench and chewing peanuts) Lindsay: Lady, we ask if you can spare some change for gas we need to get ourselves away from this place.  
  
Lady: Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change. (She gestured to Aundrey who was picking his nose. He pulled out a bugger and held it out to the lady.) Aundrey_ Doesn't this 'sorta look like Yoda? Cristina_ Eww, double yukosis! Lady_ (Pulling her glasses down into her nose and eyeing the kids suspiciously) Hey, aren't you kids a little young to drive? (She suddenly gasped) Oh! I bet you're one of those homicidal kids who wan to blow up the world! Why, As soon as you get the gas, you'll light a match, and it will be all over! (She starts hitting them violently with her purse, the kids cover their faces and try to escape.) Cristina_ Aye, Conijos! (when the handbag whips her rear end, she squeals) Lady_ Don't try any of your Spanish stuff on me, miss! (Suddenly the manager ran out) Manager_ Mother, mother, it's okay! You can go back to the funny farm tomorrow. (He put his hand on Cristina and pulls her towards him. Cristina arches an eyebrow at her.) See the girl? Nice girl. Cristina- (jumping on the old lady's lap) Hi! I'm Cristina! Aren't I the cutest little thing you ever saw! (Lindsay and Melissa start coughing. Cristina glares at them.) Lady- you never can- (she is interrupted when suddenly, a short person with curly hair on his head and feet appears, who smells like sweat and has a shiny nose.) Melissa- uh. Frodo? What is he doing in this movie? Aundrey- Cristina!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did I say about hobbits? What did I say about hobbits?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cristina- beats me. You weren't listening either? (she walks up to Elijah, who looks confused) Lindsay- Oh. My. God. This is going to be the coolest movie ever! Aundrey (still jumping up and down) I'm ruined. I'm a ruined man! I'm a ruined soul! (Legolas appears) Aundrey- what is the elf doing here? Lindsay- Elijah Forest and Legolas go together like cheese and bananas! You can't have one without the other! (Suddenly, the lights go off, and the disco ball came down. Billy Jean comes on, and on Que., they all start dancing.) Michael Jackson walks in as the "Du. Du. Du. Du. Part starts and begins to sing) Aundrey- Ruined!!!! Cristina: (re-reading the script)hey. wait just a ding-dang minute here! I never said Legolas was in this movie! Just Elijah. er, I mean Frodo! (suddenly glares at Lindsay). Lindsay! Lindsay: What, I want some pleasure too! Melissa: Hey, who do I get? Cristina: You can get Aundrey! Aundrey: ahem, that's Andrei, with an ei! Melissa: (In a Darth Vader voice) Noooooooooooo! (She screams and run off the set) Cristina: (run over to the edge of the set) Melissa? Are you there? Hellu? Hellu? Lindsay: (shrugs) well, that's one less person to build the spaceship for. Andrei: yeah, we already have Elijah Forest, er Frodo, Legolas, Michael Jackson, and us. Cristina: Uh-uh, no way! Michael Jackson and Legolas ain't coming! They're fantasies of Lindsay! (she pushes them off the set. Michael moonwalks out.)  
  
Legolas: finally, I can take this wig off! (he pulls it off, revealing a Mohawk) Lindsay: (Sighing lovingly.) Gotta love the Mohawk, baby! Elijah, er Frodo: Can I take my hobbit feet off now, Lexi? Andrei: Aw, but you good in them (he flutters his eyebrows. Every one stares at him. He starts to cough) Lindsay: Anyway. Cristina: Of course you can, Elijah. Andrei: You mean Frodo. Cristina: No, I mean Elijah! He's taking his hobbit feet off, isn't he? Frodo, er Elijah: While I'm at it, I might as well take off my cloak and wig. It's getting hot. Lindsay: you can take off the rest of your clothes too, if you want, Eli. (she smirks at him. Andrei starts to cough again.) Elijah: No thanks, I can just take off my costume. I have regular clothes underneath. And could you make me my normal size again? Cristina: K. (Elijah removes his costume and wig. He becomes normal sized.) Lindsay: Er. isn't he going to get bigger? Elijah: (Looking at the sky) I'm not very tall. (he is only a few inches taller than Cristina) 


	4. chp 4

Andrei: This is great. Just great. Our entire crew consists of a super- sized wacko. (Lindsay glares at him) Lindsay: I'm not that tall! Andrei: . Who memorized Barney's Backyard Gang Song, an undersized smoking alcoholic. Elijah: Watch who yer calling undersized, bucko. (he smoothes back his hair) Besides, I'm keeping it down to six packs a day. Andrei: (continuing). Cristina. Cristina: (tossing her hair) The most beautiful one of all. Andrei: Right. and me. Lindsay: you. Elijah: (he jumps up with a soccer ball on his head)This makes my hair look big? Lindsay: (Rubbing her chin) No, I like it. Kinda like the Afro, for the white man? Andrei: We're going to get some legal issues here. Lindsay: What? Andrei: Nothing. But back the subject. The fact of the matter is that we are one crew member short. I'm the pilot- Cristina: No, your not. I refuse to let you be the pilot! Andrei: Lindsay's the co-pilot, and Cristina's the captain- Lindsay: Why does she get to be the captain? Andrei: (spreading out his hands) I didn't want to be, and you said you wanted to be the co-pilot, and Elijah obviously can't be. Elijah: What's with all the brew-hah ? What's with all the brew-hah-hah? Lindsay: Right. Andrei: . so Cristina seemed like the obvious choice. Cristina: Yeah, but who's going to be the brain of the operation? I mean, normally I would, but I'm going to be busy being the captain. We need someone to design the ship, to talk to the computer thingys, to disable the tractor beam when in peril. Someone who's brilliant, gallant, fearless, and wise. Lindsay: I'm thinking Hayden Christenson. Lindsay and Cristina in unison: Hayden. ( drooling slightly) Elijah: Heeeeeyyyy! Hello! (Waves a hand in front of their faces) Remember me? I'm the cute guy here that all the girls are in love with! Cristina: (Rubbing her chin) He's got a point there you know. Andrei: (Rolling his eyes) That's too bad, I'm sure Hayden is a real smart guy. Lindsay: (Raising her fist to Andrei's face) You wanna take this outside? Elijah: (pulling them away from each other) Children, children. Lets try to keep the romantic tension down a little here! Andrei: Why you little! Lindsay: (Pointing at Elijah excitedly)See that! He touched me! Cristina: Back off, Jack! Andrei: anyway. I was thinking more of Brittany Spears. (he gets a faraway look in his eyes) Me and Britt go real far back. (Brittany Spears enters the scene, drinking a Pepsi) Lindsay: Look, its Brittany Spears, drinkin' a Pepsi. Brittany: oops I did it again! All: hahahhah- (she hold up her hand and they stop immediately. She takes a sip of her Pepsi) Elijah: That's not really a Pepsi (he unzips it, revealing a Pepsi Twist) And that's not really Brittany Spears- Cristina: Ok, ok, enough, stop it with the Pepsi commercial. This is a movie, not some friggin' advertisement for Pepsi (she says Pepsi in disgust) Elijah: (bowing) your wish is my command, Lexipoops. (he pushes the plastic Pepsi cheerleader off the set) Brittany: Elijah, its me! Cristina: Don't go there! Eli's mine! Andrei: (shaking his head) The romantic tension between Cristina and Elijah is ruining the quality of the film. Cristina: Are you kidding? Drama's all about romance! Elijah: (singing) All you need is love! Andrei: All this conversation is slowing down the action! Lets look at the facts: we need a new recruit, and the question is: who's it gonna be? (Everybody sits down to think) Lindsay: hmmm. how about Densal Washington? Cristina: Is that how you spell his name? Andrei: No figures of importance! (or we'll get kicked off this site!) Lindsay: Hmm. what about one of your friends, Cristina? (suddenly, superman flies in and shakes his hand at the author) Clark Kent: No way, Lexipoops! I'm not going to be dragged into your stupid story! (he flies away) Cristina: Um.. I don'ta thinka thata woulda be'a good idea. (turns to Lindsay) Vat about yo friends? Lindsay: Hmmm.. Everyone: Hmmm.  
  
WHO WILL JOIN THE CREW OF THESE BRAVE HEARTED LACKYS? WHO IS THIS ELIJAH FORESTER AND WHAT IS HIS POINT IN THE STORY? WHAT IS THE LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN LINDSAY AND ANDREI? FIND OUT, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF: the real STAR WARS! Ps. Just to prevent those legal issues Andrei was referring about, you may recognize that the characters quote occasionally from movies and shows besides Star Wars, and several themes are brought in. When I first wrote the script, I wasn't planning on publishing it, so rather than edit these out, I'd like to give credit to the following themes: Zoolander, Pepsi, Lord of the Rings, Elijah Wood, Austin Powers, "The Spy Who Shagged Me", and Harry Potter. Thank you, thank you very much. 


End file.
